Ring The Bell That Still Can Ring

Today, I attended the funeral of Jimmy James - a neighbor. He would have been 90 in a few days. He was born at the end of a major war, and we are still fighting wars. Sad indictment. Jimmy was a truly lovely chap, music and his family were his life. He is credited with having played more pianos in N Africa during the war than guns - not a bad epitaph, is it? He smoked most of his life, and in the last days, would remove the oxygen so he could have another drag! Always happy, and always smiling. He told me a few days before he went that he'd had a great life, no complaints. He'd known his wife Phyllis for 70 years. Now that's true love. He hated stupidity. He once saw a yob dumping his cigarette ends in the park. Jimmy duly emptied a trash can in the idiot's car. Sadly, in this PC country, he would have been arrested today.

While sitting in the Church during the service, I thought of Leonard Cohen's Anthem, and I think it would be fitting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e39UmEnqY8&feature=related

It is a beautiful song, and Leonard Cohen says it all at the beginning and throughout.

RIP Jimmy, you will be sorely missed.

Modern Travel

I consider myself to be an experienced traveler, having traveled in excess of 1 million miles around the globe in my lifetime. I've never counted the hours spent in planes, but the hours spent in airports these days almost equate to those numbers. A veritable number of my life, no doubt.

Now why do I raise this matter you may well ask, dear Reader? Some recent newspaper articles have revealed some of the plans that some Airlines have for you and I. All Nippon Airways (ANA) in Japan have announced that travelers must use the 'facilities' before boarding the flight. The reason? It will reduce CO2 emissions by 5 million tons a year. I find this amazing. I thought that human waste was ejected after being frozen, at several thousand feet. This also begs the question, what does 5 million tons of CO2 look like? Not wishing to challenge our experts on 'climate change', but this excuse has been extensively used by the UK Government to charge mere mortals exhorbitant charges for the CO2 emissions of vehicles. It's resulted in diesels being the vehicle of choice in the UK as they emit lesas CO2 than conventional petrol engines. So short sighted in my view, as diesels belch out black smoke (eventually, despite particulate filters) and are very noisy.

Back to the plot. Ignoring CO2 emissions for a moment, what other ideas do Airlines have for us. Ryanair seems to lead the way. They now charge for checking-in with a person - it's free if done on-line. They're also looking at charging £1 ($1.60) for using the bathroom. This bathroom is about the the size of a yoghurt pot. If you ever dare to remove your pants to use the facility, you will hit the Emergency Button. This will either bring a female attendant to your 'unwanted' help, or a male attendant, and I'm not going down that route.

Ryanair are now also looking at short-hop flights whereby the customer will not actually get a seat. The passenger will have to stand. There will be straps to hold one in, but for up to one hour, there will be nowhere to sit.

I saw a photo of the troop transporters to the war-zones. Inside the plane, seats are lined up along the fuselage, next to each other. The middle of the plane is empty, and people can get up and walk. To me, this is a fantastic idea. None of the problems of the idiots who want to tilt their seat into one's already cramped space, or the others who insist on using your seat back as a prop to get up/move along the narrow aisle.

I wonder what other ideas the Airlines have in mind. Smaller seats? Narrower aisles? Smaller toilets? Seats that don't recline? YES please! Only one bag per person, and no overhead lockers? YES please!

Here endeth today's lesson.

More Travels

Just over two weeks ago, I traveled to Germany for a three day meeting, held in German. Upon my very tired return, I had a couple of days to prepare myself for a trip to God's Country. I know, NZ comes close, but in my experience, the US takes a lot of beating. I flew Continental from Birmingham (England) to Newark NJ. This flight was not too bad apart from a 'serious' injury to my wrist. My hand slipped over 'the new ergonomically designed headphone socket'. This resulted in the plastic covering breaking, and the exposed metal caused a lot of blood. My fellow passenger in the next seat was a retired fireman/paramedic from a town called Dudley (mentioned in the Bible, no less - 'The Seven Dudley Sins'), who immediately called for help. Despite the requests of the flight attendants to 'please stop bleeding all over the place', I failed. Suffice to say that they did patch me up, and offered me a small bottle of wine as compensation. It was after all, the same color as blood.
Upon arrival at Newark, I sought medical attention, but was denied this - something about being potentially sued. So I joined the onward flight to Tampa to have to share half a seat with a 400 pound man sitting next to me. He couldn't even do up his seat belt. I thought this was illegal, but the attendant disagreed. No chance of a free upgrade then....

All was well upon arrival in Tampa, and BLS did her best impersonation of a nurse when I got to her abode. 10 days later, I have a rather nasty scab, coupled with the words of a nurse I met in FL still ringing in my ears telling me I should have had stitches!

But being back in FL was like a tonic for my weary body. 93/94 most days (that's 'hot' in Celsius), sat on the beach with Carys and BLS, had a few brews. Walked in the water with Carys. She's a doll. I watched the gulls watching me; as ever, they were vigilant in case a tasty morsel came their way. My granddaughter obliged when she dropped a couple of crackers.... Hitchcock came to mind...

The driving in FL does not improve. It's Road Rage State in my view. Most people in the State of FL are fun people, but put them behind the wheel of a car, and they become 'the evil ones'. So sad. There's a report in the local paper about drivers shouting abuse at cops and paramedics attending accident scenes as the delays piss them off.

Talking of sad, a brief intro is in order. I was staying in a La Quinta hotel. Quinta pleasant actually. Large room, with two large beds - I know, I can only occupy one at a time. $35 a night after my Senior's discount, my AARP discount, my Florida Resident's discount - I'm sure you get the picture... the normal rate is 'from $55', and we all know that this rate is only available if you book 60 years in advance.... But back to the Sad. I watched TV - a man and his jet-lag has to do something. There was the inevitable 'Wrestling' night. Hosted by the guest appearance of the Rev Al Shrapton..... doesn't that tell it all? I did change channel, before anyone asks!

I was quite amazed that I was still more tanned than my daughter who lives there! She was 40 while I was there! Makes me feel old, but we had a lot of fun. We had a small party of old friends around, I cooked the bratwurst. I've been told my bratwursts are to die for....

I've now returned to the Olde Worlde, where my wife has the flu, and I have the growing symptoms of this malaise. But I'm still Matron. Rik should be grateful that I'm not his Matron.

Here endeth today's lesson.

This Takes The Biscuit

While I was waiting for the local bus to leave the other day, I tried to take my mind off the choking diesel fumes by reading a local free newspaper. I came across this article. For some of our Colonial Cousins, a biscuit is a cookie. For those in The New World, a biscuit can loosely be described as a scone, mainly without the sultanas. Not to disappoint my Antipodean readers, the much favored Tim Tams are biscuits in that part of the world.

Now for some explanations. In The Olde Worlde, a scone is sliced in half, buttered (both sides), and a generous helping of home-made raspberry or strawberry jam added. For those without a care for calorie intake, a substantial dollop of Cornish or Devonian Clotted Cream can be added. In the New World, a biscuit is eaten with country (white) gravy, or honey. I know which I prefer. Perhaps they didn't have Clotted Cream on the Mayflower.

Be that may, back to the plot. I read this article in the free newspaper, and wondered if my esteemed readers might have experienced any 'accidents' while eating a biscuit.

Just for your informaton, the word biscuit comes from Latin which loosely meant baked twice. I've certainly known a few people who fit the category of 'half-baked'. BTW, In Russian, the word biscuit means 'sponge cake'.

Now, I'll go dunk some Custard Creams into my coffee and hopefully stay accident free.

Here endeth today's lesson.

Dedicated Follower Of Fashion

As many of my readers will know, I'm not a Dedicated Follower Of Fashion as the old Kinks song said (1966!), but I have been known to start a trend. For example, when I worked for a large software house in London in the early 80s, I was the first person there to wear a double-breasted suit. I know these were popular in times gone by, but had been side-stepped by the 60/70s. Within a year, nearly everyone was wearing them. (I rue the day that I cannot buy such a suit these days, unless I pay a fortune, and my main usage of suits these days is regrettably to attend friends' funerals.) I was also the first to attend a social 'do' wearing a shirt and tie, complete with a suede vest (waistcoat to the Olde Worlde) and no jacket. However, on the other side of the coin, I once met my then wife, who asked me, "Did you get dressed in the dark this morning?" My ties are still revered in Florida, where ties are rarely worn (see below).
Now all this started me thinking about fashions, trends or fads. Back in the late 70s and early 80s, it was de rigeur to walk around with a Filofax. One then looked significant. It was vital to walk into a meeting holding one of these, and drop it (noisily) on the table before taking a seat (again noisily). This established the person's importance and credibility within the hierarchy. For those who don't know, a Filofax was a leather clad 'folder', which had room for notes, names/adresses, a calendar, credit cards and pens, essentially a personal organizer. Numerous companies set up training seminars entitled Time Management. I was sent on one of these, and after three days, I realized I would have been better off clearing the crud off my desk. I was given a Filofax at the end which I threw away in disgust. I should have kept it, some of these are exchanging hands at over £100 ($165) these days.
The next fad that I noticed was the need to carry a small (designer label) bottle of water into meetings. I suspect this gave the holder a few moments to suck on the contents (sometimes not water) while thinking up an answer. I found that women used this device far more than men. I don't see it so much these days.
I also noticed the growth in 'marketing terminology'. My old boss always told me to 'think outside the box'. I still haven't found out what the box is. There was always the line, 'let me run this up the flagpole' as a way to introduce possible new ideas. This marketing jargon was not new, but if one wanted to establish some credibility, one had to use the latest. I spent hours poring over this web site http://www.theofficelife.com/business-jargon-dictionary-A.html
which gives you all the latest buzz-words.
These days, what I see at meetings makes me cringe. There is always some idiot with a dark cauliflower in his ear. My wife has complained about my deafness for a while now, but these things are ridiculous. Ah, as always, willing to learn I'm reliably informed that these are cell/mobile phones. Why it is necessary to wear one of these in meetings is beyond me. I've even seen people in the street wear them and talking to themselves. All I can say is that they must be more important than me.
The latest fad is for men to turn up to presentations/customer meetings and other important events under-dressed. I've just had a meeting with a VP of one of the largest US corporation who turned up in a suit with a shirt that hadn't been ironed, sweat stains almost to his navel, and no tie. The first thing he did was remove his jacket to display 'dark stains' and 'whiffiness'.
I'm told that this is 'normal' these days and I shouldn't be so 'stuffy'.
My old IBM sales manager once told me that it might be 100 degrees, but 'you will keep your jacket on at all times'. I guess I'm old fashioned. The UK is so different to the US. A/C is not prevalent over here.
I wonder what the next 'fad' will be.
Here endeth today's lesson.

Wonderous Things

My wife and I ventured West last weekend. To a place called Weston-super-Mare (the 's' is in Lower Case by decree of some regal being back in the 1700s). It rained. It is summer over here after all. I recall taking Rik and BLS there in my yoof, but it didn't rain then. Last weekend, we stayed at the Royal Hotel. In the Princess Diana Room no less. It's one of those British hotels where there is no A/C in the room, and if you wish to turn around, you walk back into the corridor, turn around and re-enter. There were legs on the 'large' bed which could cripple someone with 20-20 vision. Outside, they'd obviously had a minor problem when a concrete slab had come adrift, and the repairer obviously didn't have 20-20 vision. See picture.

There are several things in this world, nay Universe that amaze me. One of them is one's Credit Rating. Now anyone with a desire to live on this planet must know that a high Credit Rating is paramount. In the US, these are classified as, 'very poor (320, which is the lowest one can get), poor, not too good, average (all of these will NOT allow one to get a mortgage, even at 20% per annum), better, even better, leading eventually to 'excellent' (850), which is about where the bank will pay your monthly mortgage and smile sweetly in the process. According to statistics, about 38% of the population of the US are in the sub-400 category. In other words, you're screwed when it comes to getting any credit, except if you pay through the nose.

Now, this brings me to the crux of the matter. After many years in the doldrums in the US's credit rating system due to an errant wife, and many regular phone calls, I ended up in the mid-500s. Today, I'm in the 800s. Wowee! If only I had a mortgage! But woe betide me when I get to the UK. Not having had any kind of 'record' in the last seven years (their maximum, despite not living here for 24 years), this denies me the status of a 'decent risk'. The UK does not have the US version of a Social Security Number. Actually, it does, but this is not used for credit rating purposes - that would be against our 'uman rites.

But, I despaired not as I received a letter - not an email - from none other than Capital One offering me a Credit Card here in the Queen's Realm. They said that as I had 'failed to qualify for a Credit Card', they could help. How did they know I had failed, when I'd never applied for one? I digress. I was offered a credit limit of £200, which translates into about US $350. And this service would be available at 'only' 34.9% p.a. interest rate, and I could draw cash against it. I worry as to what the majority of cash-strapped people will do to relieve the effects of redundancy, unemployment, late mortgage, car payments or whatever. Suffice to say, I dumped the 'application' in File 13. Fair Issac have a lot ot answer for. And I find myself even more annoyed that I sold them a mainframe about 7 years back.

Here endeth today's lesson.

Golf, the EU and Metrics

You will, dear reader, be in no doubt of my hatred of metric measurements. They're fine in those countries where they have been used since Adam was a lad, but not in the Queen's Realm. After all, wasn't she known as Her Imperial Majesty? Her Metric Majesty doesn't have the same ring to it does it. It was therefore bliss to watch golf yesterday. Now I'm not a fan by any means, but to hear distances being quoted in yards, feet and inches was bliss, without having to try to work out what some plonker on Formula 1 meant when he said something about 30 centimeters. And why did the Brits do this? To appease the European Union, which is about as democratic as a game of Russian Roulette, and there's no Union about apart from the French and the Germans trying to rule everything. Those EU idiots have recently spent another fortune looking into how to get the UK to convert to driving on the right. The idea is that cars from say 2020 would have to be built with the steering on the left to make it easier to transition to the other side of the road a few years later. These are the same clowns who decreed some years back that bananas and cucumbers would have to conform to a certain shape (almost straight), but they have recently announced they are relaxing this edict as it will be better for the environment not to have to throw good food away.
We now have liters over here, but consumption figures are mostly quoted in miles per gallon. Some newspapers have already done away with horse power and torque in pounds/foot and substituted Kw and Nm. None of the 'new' numbers bear any relation to previous numbers, so the poor punter who wants to buy a car, has to have a degree in arithmetic to work out what things are.
I wonder how long will it be before the EU attack golf. Can you imagine Peter Alliss saying something like, "this is a seven thousand, two hundred and thirty two point thirty-eight centimeter Par 4 hole." And would they have to change the number of holes from 18 to something that's a factor of 10? And why did they choose 18 holes in the first place? Because a fifth of whisky (fifth of a gallon) would last 18 holes if the player had one 'shot' of whisky per hole - there are usually just under 18 shots in a fifth. Thanks goodness the Americans do not 'do' metric. The Canadians do, but I'm not sure if the majority of the population understand it any more than I do.
Another aspect of watching and listening to golf is some of the comments are priceless. Peter Alliss said yesterday that one player washes his balls in hot water for two hours before a game as his balls become easier to handle.
On that note, here endeth today's lesson.